Questions Answered

Dr. D. D. Rishi: Let me first explain to you the main symptoms of depression in simple words:

1.    Feeling sad or having a low mood persistently for at least two weeks at a stretch;

2.    Loss of interest in things which you loved doing earlier – for example, if you earlier enjoyed watching movies or chatting with friends but now you have stopped enjoying that at all;

3.    Change of appetite – you have suddenly started eating too much or too little;

4.    Sleeping too much or too little;

5.    Loss of energy and feeling fatigued all the time – you get tired doing things which you could effortlessly do earlier;

6.    Feeling worthless or guilty over petty matters;

7.    Difficulty focusing or concentrating on things where it is expected;

8.    Thoughts of death or suicide – most people under severe depression have thoughts of suicide right in the morning.

Please note that all the above symptoms need not be there but at least 3-4 of these should have been existing along with sadness for at least 15 days or so. Existence of suicide thoughts is generally strongly indicative of depression.

Now let me explain to you how sadness is different from depression:

1.    We do get sad on the death of someone close or when a love relationship ends. But the feelings of sadness or grief are not continuous. We do become cheerful or have good feelings too for some moments when our attention gets diverted to something pleasant during this period. But a depressed person does not normally have any positive or good feelings even for short duration, and continues to be sad or low without break. However, grief and depression can co-exist too.

2.    In grief or sadness, our self-esteem remains intact but when we are depressed, there is a loss of self-esteem and we have a feeling of worthlessness.

3.    In depression, our thoughts are often focused on ending our life or committing suicide.

4.    While one can come out of sadness or grief on his own, depression may require intervention of a psychiatrist or a psychologist or both, depending on its nature and severity.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: Almost in all cases where the husband is younger than his wife, the marriage tends to be more stable, according to my observation. While the reasons are not publicly known, it seems that husbands may be hesitant to bully the wives who are older and more mature than them, and this factor may be responsible for adding stability to marriage. I don’t think you should have any hesitation in marrying an older girl.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: I have observed that most people lose interest in life when they have nothing to do or do not have a goal or challenge before themselves. In my view, the best solution to this problem is that you decide to do something which nobody amongst your family and friends thinks that you are capable of doing. May be something which you yourself don’t think is doable. Your achievement will boost your confidence levels. Surprise yourself. It will change things.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: I feel that if you could not be successful in spite of preparing for 6 years, it means that you had made a wrong self-assessment about your aptitudes, attitudes and capabilities. You should start afresh but before that, introspect and make true assessment about your aptitudes and competence. You can also take help of your friends, relatives or experts in making such assessment.

Please remember that you can be successful only when you try to achieve something corresponding to your aptitudes, attitudes, capabilities and desired lifestyle.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: I am of the view that anyone who is in a central government job at your age won’t fit into a corporate job and would regret his decision of change every day in his life. Government sector and private sector have entirely different work cultures. Working in a government office even for a year or two exposes you to a culture of safety and non-accountability. This is highly addictive. Such a mindset would be unacceptable in private sector. Shifting to the corporate job at this stage would thus require adaptability of a very high grade. It will put you under constant stress, in my opinion.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: I feel that you may not earned any money in these 4 years but don’t say that you have wasted these years. Experience earned in life is more precious than money. What you have learnt in these days will stand by you for years to come. Just join a graduation course and continue as if nothing has happened.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: Perhaps you are not looking for any work or job but are looking for a job matching your educational degree. Lock up your degree and forget it, and then go looking for a job. You will get it immediately. In my opinion, the major reason for unemployment in our country is that everyone wants a white collar job matching his educational degree irrespective of the fact whether or not he or she has the professional skills expected by the prospective employer.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: 1. In my view, if you try very hard, it is possible that you may pass the Preliminary Examination in your next attempt. But that is not the end of the matter. You have to pass the Main Examination too. Now here is the problem. After having failed five times in Preliminary Examination, you won’t have the heart to start your preparation for the Main Examination unless you see the result of your 6th Preliminary. But the time will be too short for such preparation as there is very little time gap between the Prelim Results and the Main Exam. How do you plan to get over this problem?

2. Another important thing you must see is how much your performance improved in each Preliminary Examination during last four occasions. I guess there would be only marginal variation each time. You can visualize or predict your next result somewhat for the next time too unless there is a drastic change in the situation.

3. I would suggest that you take a break for a year or two and prepare wholeheartedly for Preliminary as well as Main Examination (take the gamble of preparing fully for the Main without waiting for the outcome of the Preliminary Examination) if you have some attempts left. In the meantime, take a job to boost your confidence in case you are not in a job now. You can keep trying for other better jobs too in the meantime.

Dr. D.D Rishi: In my observation, most in-laws in India need an extremely obedient maid as daughter-in-law so that they can keep their son as well as his wife fully under their control. In my view, a financially dependent woman does not generally get much respect in in-law’s house. It is always better for every woman to remain financially independent.You should not therefore accept this marriage proposal, in my opinion.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: Try this suggestion: Lock up your books for one month or till you feel like studying those. Even after that, don’t touch a book unless you want to study it.

It is possible that you have been overstudying earlier which has laid to this problem. Restrict your study to 5–6 hours a day, and spend rest of the time in doing things which you love doing.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: In India, generally all parents expect their children to take care of them when they grow old. Even where they have enough finances still they need to be looked after when they are old and weak.

You take care of your parents not because they raised you but you take care of them so that your wife and your own children may learn to take care of you when you grow old. Remember you are yourself going to be in the shoes of your parents after a few decades.

You are still in college and have all the opportunity to get good professional education which will prepare to you get a good job or start your own business. Feel self-confident about your abilities.

Dr. D. D Rishi: In my opinion, you should never marry a person who is neither himself earning well nor wants you to take up a job after marriage. Love is only infatuation which fades away within months of marriage. Ignore that. As he is not hardworking, the situation is not likely to improve in future too. Therefore, it is wiser to end this relationship.

Dr.D.D. Rishi: There may hardly be any husband who does not get tired of his wife within a year or two of marriage. Your husband must be a very nice and loving guy who has taken so many years to feel that way.

There is nothing to be done. It has to be accepted as a fact of life. Husband and wife get bored and tired of each other after a while, and the only option is to try to cut the boredom by participating together in activities in which both of you have common interest like travelling, shopping, sight-seeing and playing some indoor games etc.

Dr D.D. Rishi: It is not easy at all to leave an IT job and switch over to another, at any age. IT jobs are highly specialized jobs which give you a permanent tag too in the sense that if you have been doing an IT job for even 5–6 years, no employer may think that you are capable of doing anything else.

I think this happens in most other professions too. You can change your job but changing your profession is a tall order.

I think stress at work is manageable, and it need not spoil your health if you follow truly relaxing techniques, meditation being one of these. Personally, I have been practicing meditation for last 15 years and have never felt a work-related stress any time during this period.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: Yes, it is perfectly OK. No man is broadminded enough to gracefully accept the pre-marriage indiscretions of his wife. Of course, women are more willing to write off the husband’s past provided he remains straight after marriage.

A lot of people say that there should not be in any secrets between husband and wife but that is impracticable and unwise. The bitter truth is that even if both reveal what is going through their respective minds (including their fantasies), marriage may come to a breaking point.

You need to tell your spouse all that he or she needs to know. Revealing your secrets heroically and creating a life-long irritant is not wisdom.

Dr. D.D.Rishi: I often find that most of the Indian parents think that they need to protect their daughter all the time. This over-protection gives a feeling of insecurity to the girls who start considering the world to be unsafe without a man accompanying them. In my view, girls should learn to come of out this protective atmosphere and move on their own as much as possible. They should also learn to be physically strong so that they can defend themselves against any unwarranted intrusion. I think you should also try to convince your parents that you are strong enough physically and psychology to move around on your own.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: In the initial years, boys or girls like friends of the same sex only. There is nothing wrong with a girl of 9 years wanting to have preference for girls as friends. It is only after the age of puberty that the choice starts changing. I don’t think you have anything to worry at this moment.

Dr. D. D. Rishi: In my opinion, if a child is not studying or doing anything productive during the day, there is a need for parents for change their own behaviour first. Children copy what parents are doing. I often tell parents why don’t they start studying themselves before compelling their children to study. Adults are not barred from studying. Take admission in some education course and start studying, and you will see your child changing her habits quickly enough. Teach by action and not by words.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: If the children have not been respected and loved by parents when they were small, they are not going to respect and love their parents too when they turn told.

It is a wrong assumption that most parents respect or love their children. The fact is exactly the opposite. Children are subjected to so much undue expectations and psychological pressures that they revolt when they grow up.

If the children do not respect the old parents, fault has to be of the parents themselves. Of course, in spite of whatever way the children were treated in their childhood, they have a moral duty to take care of not only the aged parents but also anyone who is dependent on them for whatever reason.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: I had once heard a wise man say: “You should prefer to marry a girl who wants to marry you over a girl whom you want to marry.”

If a girl does not want you to be her boyfriend, you should accept that gracefully. There is no sense in trying to persuade her to be your girlfriend against her will.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: There is no conversion from one caste to another.

2. Where a girl is above 18 years of age and the boy is above 21 years, they can marry on their own. It is not legally or morally necessary to seek permission of the parents if they are so orthodox. Educated men and women should have no hesitation in breaking caste or religious barriers to marry a person of their choice.

Dr. D.D. Rishi: Till about 1975, there were very few industrial units in India and hence there were very few private jobs. Salary even in those private jobs used to be very low. Therefore, people at that time considered only a government job to be safe, secure and well-paying. Therefore, it is natural for parents of that era to consider government jobs to be the only worthwhile option.

But a government job takes lot of time to get. The gap between date of application and the date of appointment letter (if it comes at all finally) may sometimes be as long as two or three years. Therefore, instead of simply keep waiting for the government job to be offered, it makes more sense to grab whatever private job comes your way. One can apply for and appear for government service exams/interview while in private job too. You can do that.

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